Blending Households

            With the cost of living on, what feels like, a continuous rise and wages for most people falling far short of the ‘living range’, many families are choosing to find larger homes and blend generations under one roof.  This can lead to quite the adjustment period, especially if some of the residents have been living on their own or in other housing arrangements. 

            My youngest son and I bought a house together about a year ago.  Prior to making this decision, we shared an apartment, off and on, for over five years.  I say – off and on – because it has taken time to separate the mother-son relationship from the roommate relationship.  It has taken many trials and errors to reach a space of mutual respect while getting to know and accept each other’s quirks.

            In 2020, my former sister-in-law moved to this area.  My son and I gladly welcomed her to the 2 bedroom apartment we shared.  Neither of us had taken into consideration how she would feel about our living and bill paying arrangement.  I had also failed to take into consideration how she and I had both changed in the years since we had shared any kind of friend/sister relationship.

            My son and I had worked out a roommate relationship where we split the main bills 50/50.  This includes rent, electric, water, internet/cable, household expenses and renter’s insurance.  We then divide other expenses based on mutually agreed upon responsibility.  We each buy our own food and fix our own meals except for holidays and special occasions where we agreed to share the expenses.  For the most part, it has always worked really well for us. 

            When my former sister-in-law arrived, she ‘volunteered’ to be responsible for cleaning the house and cooking the meals.  Within a week, the apartment was cleaner than it was when we moved in.  She explained that she was OCD, when it came to cleanliness, and cooking for everyone allowed her to feel ‘needed’.  This was a surprise as I had already gone over the roommate agreement my son and I had, and she had previously said she was good with it.  The three of us talked about the whole OCD cleaning and since neither my son nor myself were that fanatical about cleaning, we were good with her request.  When it came to the meals though, I attempted to explain that I enjoyed the freedom to eat what I wanted, when I wanted. 

            I had grown up, like many of you, with set times for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  I explained that it had taken many years to get to where I actually listened to my body and to eat when I was hungry.  I know everyone sharing a home has to have equal say in how the house operates but I also knew I needed to be firm in this regard.  I could no longer allow someone else to guilt me into behaviors that I had no desire to bring back into my life. 

            Keep in mind that just because you love someone doesn’t mean you can live with them.  When you are blending different generations, habits, desires, and needs, you can expect it to take time to come into balance.  Then again, sometimes you are unable to find a balance that will last, and that’s ok too.  The lease on our apartment is due to expire just after the first of the year.  The complex required us to either renew the lease or submit an intent to vacate letter sixty days prior to the date the lease was set to expire. 

            Though it was a rocky start, I was pretty sure we would be able to work things out and setting into a balanced roommate relationship.  She had assured me that she intended to stay in North Carolina, get a full-time job, and the three of us would move at the end of the lease into a three bedroom house so I felt comfortable submitting the intent to vacate letter.  As it turned out, my former sister-in-law struggled with finding the kind of job that she could feel good about.  About two weeks after I submitted the intent to vacate letter, she told me that she had decided that instead of staying someplace she was unsure of, she would move back to Missouri, to her brother’s house.  I wanted her to be happy but her decision to move put extra stress on our currently living situation.  Since we had been planning on splitting the moving costs, including the deposit and first month’s rent by three, suddenly having to figure out how we would come up with that third part in less than two months felt impossible.  The following Monday, I called the apartment complex office and luckily found out the apartment was still available.  I asked her to withdraw our intent to vacate notice and she agreed. 

My son and I still wanted to move from an apartment into a home of our own so having a few more months to save up the funds for the deposit and moving expenses ended up helping us out.  As I said in the opening, we did buy a house together in October of 2021.  Through this experience, we learned some very valuable lessons. 

·         Blending households is a process. 

·         Never make a rash decision to stay or move until you have given the potential blended household time to balance. 

·         Saving money is never the only reason to stay in a blended household. 

·         Living with others can be stressful on its own but living with people in an uncomfortable environment can cost you a whole lot, especially when it comes to the damage to your health you can cause. 

Believe someone who learned the hard way, the money you’re saving isn’t worth the long term stress and ultimate psychological and physical harm you are doing to your body.     

Feel free to answer any of the above questions, or pose new ones, in the comments section below or email me, at mary@marymernsberger.com, for a more personal response.  Check out my website at http://www.marymernsberger.com.   I look forward to continuing this conversation.