Keeping Secrets
Parents often believe that it is their responsibility to keep ‘adult’ things hidden from their children. I remember my parents saying that children should never have to worry about grown up stuff – that’s a parent’s job. Do you remember hearing that from your parents? Or, worse yet, were you completely ignored? What we, as parents, fail to take into consideration is that our children were able to sense when something is wrong. Have you ever walked into a room and it seemed like everyone stopped talking? Where did your thoughts immediately go? Most of the time, we tend to think that the conversation was directly about us. Your children are no different. They know that you are upset or worried about something and believe me, a child’s imagination can go to some really strange or scary places. They wonder what they have done wrong. Why do our thoughts immediately go to the ‘it’s my fault’ place? That’s a question for another blog.
I know that when you are stressed, the last thing you want is a child asking you, “What’s wrong?” Rest assured you will hear that question many times as your authentic child grows up. The most important thing you can do when you hear that question is to stop – take a breath – and get down on eye level with your child. Allow them to ask their questions, without guilt or shame, and then answer them honestly. You may be tempted to simply brush off their questions and send them to their room to play. The way you respond today will affect how your child responds to their own children in the future.
As parents, it is unnecessary to share explicit details about what is going on in the family or even in the world, but it is important to have the conversation. I mean a real conversation too. Ask your child what they are feeling. Give them a chance to explain in full so you can be sure you fully understand what is going on in their heads. The last thing your child needs to hear is, “It’s grown up stuff, nothing for you to worry about.” I promise you; they will worry. Simply explain in the simplest terms possible for their age, without placating or expressing fear of the situation. This will help your child create a foundation to begin to build their understanding of what it means to be a contributing part of the family and of society as a whole.
You may be surprised how much your child can truly understand. Especially today’s authentic children. Their inner knowledge is full of solutions that you may have never thought of. Just give them a chance to honestly express what they know to be true. You may find that their words will actually provide you will a sense of calm that has been missing from your life. Turn this time of ‘quarantine’ into a time of togetherness. The answers we need are available to us and this may just be the time that they come ‘out of the mouths of babes’. Are you willing to listen?
Feel free to answer any of the above questions, or pose new ones, in the comments section below or email me, at mary@marymernsberger.com, for a more personal response. Check out my website at http://www.marymernsberger.com. I look forward to continuing this conversation.
